You do a good job of including in-text citations whenever necessary to properly attribute information to other sources. This allows you to demonstrate your knowledge of documentation and to avoid plagiarism.
Main Idea/Thesis:
In order to better support your thesis statement, you should provide more information about what it means to be “an entitled millennial” and how this is a trait of millennials. For instance, in your thesis you write:
Michael’s attitude and character as seen best categorize him as an entitled millennial though to some extent, and he attempts to disqualify himself from such stereotype.
You say that Michael tries to remove himself from this stereotype. However, you have not yet provided sufficient information to explain what this stereotype is. Why are millennials considered entitled? Is this stereotype true? Is there an example you can use that would allow your reader to better understand this topic?
In order to ensure that the main point of your essay is strong, you must be clear in how you define an entitled millennial. For more information on writing a thesis statement, please visit the Smarthinking Writer’s Handbook: https://services.smarthinking.com/static/document_library/docs/writeman/2_04_02.cfm
Content Development:
In order to convey your argument with clarity to your writer, you should use more specific information from the text that you are writing about. For instance, you write:
His selfish character seems to have been nurtured for an extended period through immense glorification and unconditional love from his parents.
Here, you say that Michael was loved unconditionally by his parents and he received “immense glorification.” However, you do not explain how you know this. Does it state in the text that he was loved unconditionally? Is there an example of this in the text that you can refer to so that your reader can better understand this person and your argument.
There are a number of areas in your essay where you could pull more examples from the text to better illustrate your point. As you revise your essay, consider including more specific detail from the source text.
*Jenelda 10704038, you requested help with Word Choice:
There are a few instances in your essay where your word choice is not as clear as it could be and it makes comprehending your sentences and ideas more difficult. For instance, you write:
Michael now finds it entirely challenging to live under his care, which is absurd and outrageous for a 30-year-old person.
Here, you say that Michael finds it difficult “to live under his care.” It is not clear who “his” refers to. Are you referring to Michael? Are you implying that he can’t care for himself? These instances in which the word choice affects the clarity of your sentences should be fixed so that your writing is stronger and your essay is easier to read.
*Jenelda 10704038, you requested help with Grammar & Mechanics:
Because we have already discussed main idea/thesis, content development, and word choice, I have deferred grammar & mechanics to focus on other important aspects of the writing process.
Summary of Next Steps:
- Provide more information about the stereotype to strengthen your thesis.
- Include more detail from the text.
- Clarify your word choice.
Thank you for submitting your essay for a review, Jenelda. I enjoyed helping you with this step in the revision process. Have a good day! ~Elena C.
You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in the Smarthinking Writer’s Handbook.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Please look for comments [in bold and in brackets] in your essay below.
Thank you for submitting your work to Smarthinking! We hope to see you again soon.
